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In the past few years I went too far
December 4, 2017

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In the past few years I went too far in the direction of trying to heal all my shit on my own, by myself. Of believing I needed to be on some particular level of self-love before I could have a good relationship.
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That is bullshit.
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We heal in the presence of love. We heal in stable relationships. We are not meant to learn to love ourselves completely by ourselves.
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Unconsciously, after years of abusive relationships, gaslighting, ghosting, and shitty romances where I let myself be taken for granted or where I would open inadvisably, only to find myself abandoned, I had somehow also absorbed the "spiritual" idea that this was all my fault because I didn't love myself enough. Instead of also calling out this behavior for what it was, I only looked at my part and blamed myself.
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So I went to work on my self-love. I went to work on dealing with my emotions on my own. I started to enjoy being by myself and stopped using other people to manage my anxiety. I learned my attachment style, my core woundings, and what my values are. I learned boundaries, self-respect, and that it was ok to want what I wanted. I learned about what triggered me and why and how not to act out or blame others for it.
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But I still felt, deep down, that there was something wrong with me. I was still highly critical of myself. And I didn't see how to transform this alone.
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And when I got the chance recently to be in relationship with a secure, aware, compassionate, honest man, I knew I was right.
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He saw me, fully, and he loved me immediately. He cared so much that he tracked me carefully and came to know me and what I needed better than I knew myself. He always responded to my messages, and often sent me sweet ones first. He wanted to share things with me. Whenever I was suffering, he was there to hold me. He found it normal, not needy, that I would want to be near him. He wanted to be near me, too. He wasn't judgmental of my sex drive. He wanted me, too.
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And in this light, something deep in me finally soothed. I finally settled. I finally KNEW - there was nothing wrong with me.
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Saying it to myself was not enough. Hearing it from friends did not go deep enough. I needed to grok it on the deepest level of my being. And this can only come from a lover.
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There is only so far we can go on our own.
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I realized I just expected to be mistreated. That things would be hard. That I wouldn't be listened to, get my needs met, feel respected. I still flinched sometimes or felt panic closing in, in conversation, so much was my nervous system used to getting yelled at.
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I actually had no idea relationship could be this easy, this nurturing, this fulfilling, deep, healing...this MUTUAL.
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"You are so easy to love," he said, over and over.
"You are easy to get along with."
"You have a solid foundation of awesome human."
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It hadn't occurred to me this might be the case.
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Feeling loved, seen, appreciated, and desired in this way took away my anxiety. I found myself loving from a place that felt beautiful and detached in a healthy way. I had no worries about our love or our relationship. And so I didn't need or want to be with him all the time. Pining did not consume my life. I was not anxious that he would drop me at the slightest opportunity for another woman.
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He was every inch a man, a delicious masculine presence for me, and part of that fullness was because he was so in touch with himself emotionally and somatically. Profound respect.
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I was able to love and want the best for him without it feeling sticky. To go really deep in care and trust and growth together from a balanced place. To learn what he needed and provide it for him, as he did for me.
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But I didn't need him in order to be ok myself. Once I had felt what it was to be actually respected, met, and cared for by an intimate partner, I finally could do it for myself.
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And so when we parted, as we knew we would have to, it also felt beautiful. Even breaking up with this man was healing.
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With this, as with everything....the secret is balance. It's the hardest for me to remember - in my dramatic, extreme Scorpio ways - perhaps for all of us to remember, with this black-and-white morality and judeo-christian cultural background. I see spiritual teachings misunderstood over and over again.
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Take responsibility for yourself, yes. Do what you need to become aware of your emotional landscape and learn to communicate wisely.
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But you do not have to be perfectly in love with yourself to have the love of another.
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The love of another is part of the journey to fully loving yourself.
I love you, Brian. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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